hopetheatre.org
::Home
::Schedule
::Cast
::About
::Press
::Donate
::Links
::Contact
::News Archive
Muse of Fire
By Kelly McAllister
Copyright 2003 by Kelly McAllister, All Rights Reserved
Act One, Scene One
The stage is dark. A booming, Shakespearean voice comes from the darkness. Lights rise during first few lines to reveal DION, standing on a table in a cluttered apartment.
DION
O, for a muse of fire that would ascend the brightest heaven of invention! A kingdom for a
stage, princes to act, and monarchs to behold the swelling scene. (PAULINA enters, carrying
a grocery bag.) Then should the war-like Harry, like himself, assume the port of Mars, and
at his heels, leash’d in like hungry hounds, should Fleagle, Bingo, Drooper, and Snork crouch
for employment- meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice, Wonder Woman and Aqua-man get a report
from the super computer that the Statue of Liberty has been stolen by the dangerously
misunderstood Solomon Grundy, who, it is rumored, was born on Monday. (Sings) Ali Baba
and the forty thieves, Ali Baba the forty thieves, Ali Baba and the forty thieves- Polly!
Uh, hi! I was just cleaning up. Wha’s Up? WHA’S UP! WHA’S UP!
PAULINA
What the fuck is wrong with you?
DION
I beg your pardon?
PAULINA
Did you think that was funny?
DION
What are you talking about?
PAULINA
I’m talking about the grocery store. You remember that, don’t you? You know, the place
where you took off all your clothes and ran up and down the aisles screaming, "Who is Kaiser
Soozie?"
DION
That was awesome!
PAULINA
Is that like shock art? I don’t like shock art.
DION
I’ve been working on my monologue from class. Listen to this! "Then should the war-like
Harry, like himself, assume the port of Mars, and at his heels-"
PAULINA
Dion, why don’t you shut up and help me un-pack? And please, stop doing that monologue over
and over. I’m sick of it.
DION
But I-
PAULINA
You have to practice. I know. Do you even know what that play is about? Fucking Ode to
War. So what if thousands of people died in a useless war that lasted over a hundred years?
You just need to recite it. Again and again. Especially the beginning.
DION
That’s the best part. That’s why I chose it for class.
PAULINA
Sometimes, I want to kill you.
DION
It’s Shakespeare.
PAULINA
Fuck Shakespeare. And fuck you, too.
DION
You have a potty mouth.
PAULINA
Oh, shut the fuck up.
DION
I don’t see why you’re so mad. I was just playing...What have you got
against Shakespeare anyway?
PAULINA
Nothing. Shakespeare’s great. It’s you. Your acting. It sucks.
DION
That’s your opinion. Thespis told me I have real talent.
PAULINA
That’s his job. He was just trying to instill some confidence in you. So you can do your
job. A good muse is a confident muse. That’s all.
DION
(Pause) Can I ask you a question?
PAULINA
I suppose.
DION
Why did you ask to become a muse after you died?
PAULINA
Because it’s important. Because the world’s fucked up. Because I want to help things get
better. You should have stuck around after you little nudie show. I got a cup of coffee, read
the paper, and had a good, long look at all the people. What a mess.
DION
Do you think it’s changed much since you died?
PAULINA
"Mad world! Mad Kings! Mad composition!"
DION
Wait a minute. I know that.
PAULINA
You should. It’s from King John. "But as I traveled hither through the land, I find the
people strangely fantasied, Possessed with rumors, full of idle dreams, Not knowing what they
fear, but full of fear."
DION
So you can quote King John, but I can’t do Henry V. That’s not fair.
(Going through grocery bag) Hey! (Takes out a tube of toothpaste) This is plain,
old, regular toothpaste! Mad world, indeed! I specifically told you to get gel, red or blue,
not plain! Is that too much to ask for?
PAULINA
They were out. Sorry. I don’t see why you insist on brushing your teeth anyway. You’re
not a human being anymore; you’re a spirit. A celestial being. You don’t have to worry about
tooth decay.
DION
I like brushing my teeth. It always makes me think of my mother.
PAULINA
I don’t even want to know. Now, are you going to help un-pack, or are you going to moan and
groan all day long?
DION
I am, I am. (Paulina begins to put things away from the bags she brought in. Dion takes
a new toothbrush out of the bag, begins an imaginary swordfight) Well, well, my old foe,
Monsieur Plaque, we meet again. En garde! Ha! Touché! You’ve done well. But now let me
introduce you to my little friend, Oral B. Aha! Brush! Brush! (Stops in front of a
painting hanging on the wall. Moves his arm with the toothbrush up and down a few times)
Hey, Paulina?
PAULINA
What?
DION
You think painters brush their teeth like they brush their paintings?
PAULINA
You’re an idiot.
DION
I bet they do. I be Vincent Van Gogh had the cleanest teeth in France. Ever hear of him?
PAULINA
Van Gogh? Of course.
DION
Vince was my best friend when I was still alive.
PAULINA
Really?
DION
Yeah.
PAULINA
Vincent Van Gogh was your best friend?
DION
I met him once, a long time ago. At the museum. I was there on a field trip, looking at
this painting he did of himself, and all of a sudden he opened his mouth and said, "Hello, Dion.
Isn’t it lovely in here? Isn’t it lovely here in my big blue eyes?" And I thought about it for
a moment, and said, "Yes, it is." But it was a lonely, sad kind of lovely, like the street
after it rains, full of nothing in a beautiful sort of way. I came back to the museum every
day after that, and Vince and I talked about all kinds of things- France, stars, my mother.
One day I went to see him, but he was gone. I never saw Vincent after that. I should look him
up.
PAULINA
Why do you waste your energy on fantasies?
DION
They make me happy.
PAULINA
Babbling on like an idiot makes you happy?
DION
Vincent made me happy.
PAULINA
And what was it that made you insane?
DION
I’d rather be happy than sane.
PAULINA
Of course you would.
DION
What would you rather be, sane or happy?
PAULINA
I don’t think the two are mutually exclusive.
DION
How do you know that? What if the only route to happiness is through insanity?
PAULINA
I think that’s a bunch of crap. Van Gogh was crazy. Look how happy he was, committing
suicide by shooting himself in the chest. Twice. The first shot wasn’t fatal, so he crawled
to the gun, and shot again. Don't get me wrong, he was a genius, and some of his paintings
make me cry- but I would never, ever, want to be that sad, and lonely, and insane. And neither
should you. Now help me clean up. We have to go down soon.
DION
Okay.
PAULINA
Okay.
DION
Okay.
PAULINA
Okay!
DION
Sorry if I offend. (They begin to unpack the rest of the groceries) So, what does
our first assignment do?
PAULINA
Who, Emily?
DION
Is that her name?
PAULINA
Didn’t you read the report?
DION
(Pause) No.
PAULINA
Why not?
DION
Well, see, that’s sort of a funny story. Remember how you were yelling at me to take out
the trash this morning?
PAULINA
Yes.
DION
Well, I was sort of playing basketball with little crumpled paper balls, you know, throwing
them into the garbage can- I had this amazing streak of 15 shots in a row- Pow! Pow! Pow!
Remember how you yelled at me to shut up after I went Pow? So, I shut up, and you said to take
out the garbage, so I did.
PAULINA
Why didn’t you read the report?
DION
Well, that’s the funny part. All those little crumpled paper balls were made from the
report, see? And even the one’s that missed the basket, I picked them up and shot again,
until they were all in there. And then I took out the garbage like you told me to.
PAULINA
You took a report that was written in stardust, from the office upstairs, from the source
of life itself- a report on how we are supposed to accomplish our first actual assignment as
muses, and you crumpled it up into little paper balls and shot some hoops?
DION
Yeah. It was awesome.
PAULINA
And now they’re in the garbage?
DION
Well, I don’t think so- I’ve discovered that the garbage cans outside have little suns
inside of them that burn up everything you throw into them instantly.
PAULINA
Just how stupid are you?
DION
I don’t see what the big deal is.
PAULINA
That report had all our instructions!
DION
Can’t we just ask for a new one?
PAULINA
No, we can’t just ask for a new one. If they found out we lost the report, we’d be fired on
the spot. Or worse.
DION
Did you read it?
PAULINA
You mean before you tossed it into the flaming trashcan? Yes, I did.
DION
Can’t you at least tell me what she does?
PAULINA
She’s a student.
DION
So, what’s the problem?
PAULINA
She’s supposed to write a novel that will change millions of lives, but all she’s written
so far are a few poems about Mister Whiskers, her cat, some really bland erotica, and a
fifty-one-page ode to her ex-boyfriend, titled "The Talent-less Hack".
DION
So we get her stuff published, right?
PAULINA
I seriously doubt that.
DION
Then what are we supposed to do?
PAULINA
I don’t really know. I didn’t finish reading the report. I was going to last night but I
got distracted by you watching TV.
DION
Don’t blame me. You’re the one who said, "Hey, is that the one where Colonel Blake dies?
It’s one of my favorites!"
PAULINA
All right. Calm down. There’s no use pointing fingers. I suppose we have to motivate her
somehow, convince her to stop writing crap and start writing something more substantial.
(The doorbell rings. PAULINA and DION freeze. The bell rings again. PAULINA motions to DION to go to the door. DION shakes his head negatively, indicates to PAULINA that she should go. PAULINA refuses. From off stage, we hear CARLOS)
CARLOS
Hello? Anybody home?
DION
(Whispers) Did you lock the door?
PAULINA
(Whispers) I don’t know. (CARLOS opens the door and enters) No.
CARLOS
Hi. Didn’t you two hear me?
PAULINA
Who the Hell are you?
CARLOS
Who do you want me to be? For millions of years, I asked myself that question- that was
when I still believed in the illusions of time and space. I remember once, billions of
year’s ago- or billions of years into the future, depending on which way you look at it, you
asked me the same question, and I gave you the same answer. I’m Carlos. Are you ready?
DION
Ready for what?
CARLOS
You must be Dion.
DION
That’s right.
CARLOS
You’re buddy Vincent asked me to say hello. You must be Paulina. May I call you Polly?
PAULINA
Wait- who are you?
CARLOS
Didn’t you read the report? I’m the Keeper of the Secret Flame, the Guardian of the Portals
of Ice, the Great Toad of Infinite Waters.
Click here to return to the Muse Of Fire page!